i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
