Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Randomize
