never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
