The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
