and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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