she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
