i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
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