were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Randomize
