Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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