Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
its liver damage thursday
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
