Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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