You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
He's a Shit stain on my heart
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
