Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
