He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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