Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
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