My underwear smells like fireworks.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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