we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
