I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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