i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
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Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
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Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
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