my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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