I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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