Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback