if i can run in heels then i can drive
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness