Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes