Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
