My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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