I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
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