I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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