i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
