I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
