The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
