Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
