I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
