Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
i believe in u and ur pee
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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