i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
