hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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