I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
