can we get nightvision for the apartment?
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
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