At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
