shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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