Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
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