Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Randomize
