Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
