Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
if i can run in heels then i can drive
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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