When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
