I just pynch a tree in the face
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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