Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
