There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Randomize
