my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Even my vagina gasped.
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She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
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a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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