Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
