Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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