We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
