Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
