I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
