y did u give ur computer a hand job?
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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