I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
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I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
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I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
this hospital has no fireball
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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